Braylyn Nykole Inman

Diary Entry From 04/17/07

2009-12-07T14:33:00.002-05:00

I was going through some old files and found this old entry.

Tuesday - April 17, 2007 14 WEEKS AND 1 DAY

Well I am officially starting my Pregnancy Diary today. So I will catch you up on everything…
I had noticed that I was extremely tired and I had no energy, but I thought it had to do with the PCO that the doctor had said I have. So I just kept about my normal routine. Sunday Feb 4th we had went to Emily and PJ’s house to watch the Super Bowl. I was talking with Emily (who was about 5 weeks pregnant) about how I had been feeling. She had been feeling the same way. Anyways, I just dismissed my tiredness as being nothing.
Monday, Feb 5 on my way back home form work, I decided to buy a pregnancy test from Buehler’s. I bought a cheap one cause I had taken so many before and had them come back negative, I thought I am not going to spend a lot of money on these things. So I bought one and went home. Once I got home I immediately took it. Harley (our cat) was in the bathroom with me so I was talking to her. I took the test and looked. As I spoke to Harley, I said, “Just as I thought……another negative.” But as I stood there cleaning up I kept looking at the stick. A faint line was appearing. Could it be? My instincts took over and I started to get excited. But was it just because the test was a cheapy and I needed to get a better quality one? I waited for Bran to get home from work. I kept thinking… “Is this really happening?”
Finally Bran got home. I acted as if nothing was going on. He kept looking at me. He said what are you smiling for? And I couldn’t say anything! I just kept looking at him smiling. He said, “Are you pregnant?” And I said, “I think so…” I showed him the test and said I would like to go buy a name brand, just to take another one. So as he took a shower I ran up to CVS and bought the most expensive one I could find! I waited a while before taking another one, not only because I couldn’t pee, but because I thought it would be better if I had a full bladder.
After dinner and an hour or so later, I took the test. This one read, “Pregnant” on the stick. In my mind it’s official. I’m pregnant! Brandon wasn’t so sure. He said he wanted to hear it from a doctor. So I made an appointment the next day. With both my family doctor, just to take a pregnancy test, and with Dr. Hopf, the OBGYN doctor. To sum it up…I went to Cullens, they gave me a test, it came back positive! My appointment with Dr. Hopf wasn’t until Feb 21. So we had to wait 2 weeks before we could go make it official!
Well I couldn’t wait that long to tell people! I of course told Emily. Who is my best friend and we had always talked about being pregnant at the same time. Then came our parents. Bran was unsure of breaking the news to family until after we went to the doctor, but who could wait that long! I sure couldn’t! However I did want to wait until both Mom and Dad we’re home from Virginia. I did NOT want to tell them over the phone. So we waited until Friday Feb 16 to tell Bran’s Mom and Dad. And Saturday Feb 17 to tell my Mom and Dad.
Friday, Bran and I went over to his parents’ house just to “visit”. I had made a t-shirt to wear with a picture of a “Bun in an Oven”. So I had that one, but I kept my coat on. When we walked in Nelson was in the kitchen and Debi was back in their bedroom. Well I didn’t want to break the news without both of them in the room, so I kept my coat on. We sat down on the couch in the living room. We visited for a while. Just talking. Then Bran and I went into the kitchen to eat dinner. Once we finished, the plan was for me to take my coat off and go show them. I chickened out. :o) Bran was getting impatient and we started laughing. I finally stood up and said, “Bran wanted me to show you my shirt.” So I took my coat off and they stared. Nelson didn’t get it and Debi thought I was advertising for a Hotpoint stove. HA! Finally Debi said, “Are you pregnant?!” And of course I started tearing up and said, “Yes.” They of course were ecstatic as were we. We talked for a while telling them that I had a doc appointment scheduled for that Wednesday and that we thought maybe around the 28 of September.
Saturday Bran and I went down to Josh & Kristi’s to ice fish with Mom & Dad. The plan there was to just tell everyone. Well once again things just weren’t working out. Dad fished almost the whole time, so he was always outside. Mom would be watching the kids while we all went out side. So everyone wasn’t all together until right before we left. Then my nerves were so high, I couldn’t say anything. Bran once again was getting upset. We ended up leaving there without telling anyone. That evening the guys’ were all going to an NRA meeting and mom and I were going to a movie. So Bran and I went over to mom and dads a little early, so we could break the news. We got there and went and sat in the living room. I knew I had to do it now, because mom and dad were leaving to go back to Virginia the next day. So I just said it… ”Mom, Dad looks like you’re going to be grandparents once again.” HA! Nothing like just getting to the point. They of course were excited. A few minutes later the guys left and Mom and I went to the movies.
So that’s how the news was broke to everyone. The next thing was the doctor’s appointment. We went in and I had a normal exam. Then Dr. Hopf talked with us about different things…then we went in and had an ultra sound done. We saw the heart beat and everything! It was so NEAT! The lady measured the baby and said it was 5 mm long and my due date was set at October 15, 2007.

Post from earlier this month...

2009-06-15T12:42:00.007-04:00

20 Months doesn't seem like much when you say it out loud and it doesn't seem like much when your looking forward to something exciting, but when 20 months refers to the amount of time it has been since I last saw your beautiful face, since I last held you in my arms, since I last kissed your soft chubby cheeks...20 months is a lifetime ago.

So many things have happen in 20 months. So many feelings have consumed me in 20 months. Feelings of sadness, guilt, joy, like I was on top of the world, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. There are times when you are in my mind for several days straight and then there are days when, as hard as this is to write, just imagine how it feels...there are days when you don't cross my mind at all. How can that be? You're my daughter. How can a mother not think of her child daily? I know you are with me with every single breath I take, but to not think about you daily???? I know I know, I cannot have my life be consumed by feelings of guilt or have every single moment of my thoughts be on you, but why not? You are my child. My angel daughter who watches her mother go about her day without thinking of her. How terrible is that!

My love for you is so great Braylyn, you will always be my first child, my oldest daughter, but it is at the same time difficult to remember. Not remember that you are my first child or my oldest daughter, but to just remember to remind myself of that. I'm sure it is perfectly normal to go through this stage and I knew the day would come, but I just did not expect it to come so soon. I thought maybe when I was old and gray, when my memory was fading, but not before you were two! My mind was full of thoughts about that day yesterday. I feel like you were reminding people around me, to remind me and that makes it even that much more worse. To think that you have to step in and remind me that you are there. To look at the little girl your age and to just imagine what you would be like, to try and picture your face, your actions, your gestures. I will forever only be able to picture your sleeping baby face.

The devil still tries to make his way into our thoughts by doubting why the Lord took you from us, but we constantly have to remind ourselves that God had this plan for us and only He knows the reason behind it all. I heard on the radio the other day something along the lines of, "Faith shaken, not stirred..." It got me thinking how trials in our lives can make us doubt our Faith, but somehow God always has a way of making it clear to me to just trust in Him and everything else will fall into place. The devil can shake my Faith at times, but he sure can't stir it all up and dissolve it away. A scripture was brought to my attention this past Sunday at church, Ecclesiastes chapter 3...

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboreth?

10 ¶ I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

2009-04-10T11:12:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Today you are 18 months old. Very hard to believe a year and a half has gone by since I last held you in my arms. I woke up to the alarm going off this morning to an Alan Jackson song that I had woke to the other day, but had turned off because I didn't want to get sad. I listened to it this morning...these are the words.

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

I got to thinking after I listened to it, that I should not be sad when you are in my mind, that just like the song says you are walking with Jesus and you are smiling. What else could a mother wish for her child. It is only me being your mom that I cry and get upset over not having you here with me, but I do know that you are okay and that you are being held in Jesus' arms with a Father's love.

Spring is coming slowly but surely. The Spring flowers Nana had planted that Fall came back again this year. They were so pretty. The purple, yellow, and white...they just sang out Spring! Nana and I also bought some new flowers for you and placed them in your vases. Nana does a good job putting them all together. She is so talanted, but of course you know that :o)

Your little sister is growing like a weed and your Daddy decided to get a puppy, who we named Diesel. We are becoming the "Funny Farm" I think. You would be having a good 'ole time playing with Diesel I think, although he is getting pretty big. Mommy is more of a cat lover herself, but Daddy has been after me for a dog for a long time, so we'll let him have a play buddy. Callaway still resembles you I think. We have the two most beautiful girls anyone could ask for. We love you and miss you very much and you are in our thoughts and hearts each and every day.

Big Sister

2009-02-04T13:44:00.002-05:00

Braylyn your mommy wants to thank you for watching out for your little sister. I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. It was a long 37 weeks, but your sister is here, happy and healthy. Your Daddy and I cannot get over how much she looks like you. We will remind her of that too as she gets bigger. Callaway will know she has a big sister watching out for her each and every day. It is an answered prayer to have a little piece of you with us here on earth. I'm sorry for not writing sooner, but you know you have been on my mind. There are days that I look at your sister and I can't help but cry tears of sadness thinking of you. I look into her eyes and I imagine that they look just like yours. When she smiles those funny grins and even when she cries, I imagine that that is how you would have sounded. She has a round little face and hair that is as dark as what you have.

The day Callaway was born was full of different emotions for everyone. It was a long night and everyone was on pins and needles waiting for Callaway's arrival. I couldn't sleep and your Dad couldn't sit down for 10 minutes. No one was going to rest until your sister was here, safe and healthy. When we finally heard her cry out I lost it. I had flashbacks running through my head thinking of you and how in the period of one year we were celebrating the birth of your sister. It was all bitter sweet you might say. I could feel you with me that day. Telling me that God was in control and that everything was going to be fine. It is hard being human and trying to find that faith in yourself and in God to just trust every minute in Him.

Once we arrived home it was new struggles that set in. Walking into Callaway's room and looking at all of "her" things, that started off as your things. I struggled for a while in thinking that these things belonged to you and how you were suppose to be there with us. Then I would be reminded that God had a plan for us and for you and He also has one for Callaway. She is a gift. A miracle from you and God. There are times when I still struggle with the thought of not having you here with us and then there are times when I celebrate life in knowing that you are in a far better place than us and that we will one day all be together as a family rejoicing and celebrating. I love you Braylyn and even though your little sister is with us here on earth, just know that you are extra special to me and I will always know that I have an angel watching over me and our family. Angel hugs and angel kisses ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Time Does Fly

2008-10-16T13:24:00.002-04:00

Well this is it...it's been a year since Braylyn was born. Time truly does fly by. I really don't know where to even start. It doesn't even seem real on days. There are times when it all seems like a dream and we are still waiting to be woken up. Then again it seems just like yesterday that our world was forever changed. Our lives took a turn we never even imagined. Things like this don't happen to people like us. We did everything right. Why us?

The day before her birthday (the 9th) was harder for me I think. I kept remembering back to a year ago from that day. That day was the day we found that Braylyn no longer had a beating heart. I had reported to work that morning and left early with the intention of not coming back and going on maternity leave. I had went home to take a nap and mom had called. We decided to leave early to run some errands. We had stopped by my brother and sister n laws house to visit for a bit and then went to several department stores in Jasper. My appointment that day was scheduled for 445. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. That day...some time after 445 my life fell apart and a piece of my heart was forever taken away from me. So as I sat at home this past week on the 9th, these thoughts ran through my head. My best friend called to check in on me and I just couldn't talk about it at all. No matter how hard I try to talk about it all, I just can't. I can't make out two words without breaking out into tears. This is how a cope right now. Besides talking with Brandon about our daughter, this is where I do all my crying.

So, we decided to start an annual tradition for Braylyn's birthday, of getting both sides of our immediate family together for a dinner and to just visit, remember Braylyn and enjoy ourselves. I was on the fence about the whole thing. I mean I didn't know if I'd really be in the mood to have the company over, but then again I knew that I wouldn't want to be alone either. The evening turned out to be enjoyed by everyone. Brandon and I tried to make the evening lite and simple. We had beef stew and Amish bread for dinner and a couple of desserts. We had the fire going for everyone to sit around and our nephews and niece enjoyed hot dogs and marshmallows. Brandon set up a wagon with straw for a hayride for the kids and I had made little treat bags in advance and bought small pie pumpkins for the kids to take home with them. We enjoyed visiting with family and enjoyed the beautiful evening that Braylyn provided us. I remember the day Braylyn was born was the first cold snap of last year. This day was almost the same way. The sun was out all day and a few clouds lingered here and there. The smell of Fall was starting to fill the air and as the sun lowered in the horizon, the air turned chilly. After everyone left it was dark. Brandon and I sat by the fire and just stared into the night sky. The stars were out and the backdrop was complete darkness. The moon seemed large, but was not quite full yet. It's glow reflected off the trees. We sat and talked about Braylyn and how the day went. We cried and held each other. The day was coming to an end.

It's hard to believe that she would be one already. Time really does fly by when you have kids. I try to imagine what she would be like. I still watch children her age and I try to picture Braylyn being that big, jabbering, walking, developing her own personality. I cry every time I think of her. The night we moved in to our new house, I carried her box of belongings into the house and set it in it's place next to our bed. Her blanket, hair comb, bracelet, lock of hair, pictures, dress, etc. I open the box on occasion to remember her and to imagine her baby soft skin touching these things. Nothing can ever bring her back to us, but I just have to keep reminding myself that we will go to her one of these days. I will know exactly who she is and we will get to celebrate for eternity with our loving, almighty Father.

Through this whole experience I have to first thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without Him I truly cannot imagine making it through all of this. God has His reasons for doing the things he does and through this all He has shown me that I am a stronger person than I ever imagined. He has given me a new perspective on His love for His children and He truly does hold us in His arms. Second I would have to give credit to surviving all of this to my husband, Brandon. He has been not only my rock over the last year, but he has given me so many more reasons to love him and to look forward to the many years ahead of us together. He is a strong man who at times hides his emotions just so I will stay strong. He is a man who has a huge heart and a love for his family that I never imagined. I will forever be in love with him and that love grows stronger each and every day. I remember him being there for me every step of the way when Braylyn was born. He never left my side and he held my hand through the whole delivery. Brandon has grown into a man over the last year. He has this way of making me smile when all I want to do is burst into tears. He makes me feel safe when he holds me in his arms. He makes me feel indestructible when he stands by my side. And then there is my family. There is a bond there that was not there before. My family has shown to me what family is all about. There is a special feeling that is given to each other when family is involved. My parents are truly God loving people who would give their lives to save that of their children and I know they would do anything to take away the pain of losing Braylyn and what they don't realize is that they do so by praying for Brandon and myself and by showing us in their actions that God is great and this world will not be the last place we ever see Braylyn again. My parents have instilled in me their beliefs and I thank them for that. I thank them for giving me my upbringing and allowing me to come to know Jesus because again going back to the beginning of this, without Him, I do not see how people survive life altering situations.

To my daughter Braylyn Nykole Inman...you will never be forgotten and the life lesson of faith, family, and love that you gave us will forever be instilled in not only our hearts, but our lives. You are a true gift from God and an angel in my eyes. You will be forever a baby in my mind, but as the years pass and your birthdays grow, I will imagine what you would look like, what you would be doing, and all the things you would have accomplished. I love you with all of my heart and soul and as the song says, let Jesus hold you until your Mommy and Daddy can be there.

A couple of things....

2008-09-22T09:53:00.002-04:00

I haven't checked in in a while, so I thought I would touch on a couple of things. First I want to thank everyone who reads our blog. I have been getting a lot of people who say they read and that it has helped them in many different ways. It is a true blessing to know that even though Braylyn is not here with us, and she never met any of you, that she can still touch people's lives. I do not take credit for anything that is done through this blog. I know Braylyn has a BIG heart and she has plenty of love to give to everyone. She is truly an angel and a blessing to us. She has shown me in many ways that life is not just about ourselves...God put us on this earth for a reason and if we do nothing while we are here, then we are a failure in His eyes. I spoke with someone yesterday and they said, "things do happen for a reason." I've touched on this before...I honestly believe it. God gives us things, He takes things away, He blesses us with the little things and the big things...it is us as humans who have to deal with the way God thinks. And even though we will never truly understand the whys? of life, we just have to have faith in God that there is a reason for the whys? A learning lesson to be had by all. Loosing an innocent baby, such as Braylyn has taught me to not be selfish, to live outside my bubble and to open up. I still struggle every time we talk about Braylyn and when a stranger asks the question, "How many children do you have?" "Is this your first pregnancy?" "How old is your first?" I always tear up when I have to answer the dreadful questions... This will be our second. Second pregnancy. She would have been (so many months). Then trying to explain what happened. Some people ask a lot of questions, others shy away after they know Braylyn has passed. Either doesn't bother me. Honestly I want to tell everyone all about our experience, but for now blogging is the best way. To actually speak to someone face to face and talk about our first born daughter, is well...lets just say the person had better have a lot of time on their hands to spare and at least two boxes of tissues (one for me and one for them). I hope to one of these days be able to speak freely about her. She deserves to be talked about and known. With time I keep telling myself. With time.

The second thing on my mind comes from our trip this past week. We all had went to play putt-putt at a local course and there was one hole that had a wall where people could sign their names. Brandon signed ours as "Brandon, Lyndsey and Callaway." I kind of stopped in my tracks when I saw this. I know Brandon meant nothing by it and he probably didn't even think twice about it, I didn't until I saw it wrote out. What about Braylyn? This got me thinking. As life goes on and we have other children, do we include her name on things such has Christmas cards? I mean she is part of our family and she is our child, she just is no longer here with us physically. I wouldn't want to offend anyone by including her name, but then again why should someone be offended? I could not walk away from that putt putt hole without writing Braylyn's name along with her families. She is a part of us and always will be. She is a gift from God. A gift that keeps on giving each and every single day. A gift that brought her Daddy and I closer together. I gift that opened her Mothers eyes to a new world. A gift that teaches people to love and to have faith in God. I cannot say enough about my daughter Braylyn Nykole Inman. She is and always will be a true gift from God.

Your Daddy

2008-08-19T12:26:00.004-04:00

Braylyn, I just wanted to let you know what kind of man your Dad is. I just cannot explain in words how much he means to me and I just know you look down on him and you think the same. Here are three emails he sent me today in the order he sent them. I was having a bit of a downer day and have been thinking of you a lot lately.

FIRST
Well it prolly works different for people and we are not 100% sure that you had a blood clot so don't start worrying about that, call the doctor and ask him if you want but don't think that what happened for them is the same thing that happened for us. Every situation is different, and also we never did get a direct answer for our situation. We will be fine going every week and it will all work out for you and the squirt, I know it will be fine.

SECOND
Well I cant promise anything but I truly believe it is going to be fine, I worry all of the time but I just don't let anyone notice. I know it is going to be hard for you but you cant stress yourself out all of the time because it isn't good for you or the baby. Don't let something someone else says worry you, just see what he says tomorrow and go from there. Nothing is ever 100% but it is in Gods hands and He will choose to do what is best and of all people He will know what to do. You never know what is going to happen in your life and never will but for now just hang loose and enjoy today like it could be the last, everything will be fine for now and hopefully for the rest of time but like I said it is out of our reach and don't try to grab it because it may bring something that you don't expect. I love you and I will be there no matter what happens, we will make it through anything together so just relax and hang in there, it is getting closer by the day and before you know it she will be here and then you will be worry'n about the people our daughter is running around with.
Love me

THIRD
That is no problem, I tried to do all I could through what we went through, it wasn't easy but I was dealt a hand that every man doesn't deserve but I tried. I will do the same if the situation ever comes down my path again, I hope it never does but a person just really never knows, I don't know what I would do if I wasn't with you through all of it and you were very strong and continue to be. Sometimes, I just wish I could change the world around to make it easier but I don't have the ability, obviously, but I always wish. It will pan out for us and I just want you to know that I love you and don't ever second guess anything, I am here to stay and always keep that in mind, I don't want to give up 1/2 of my assets right now, I am already poor. Just kidding!!

He always has a way of making me cry (because I love him so much and I know he loves me) and he can always find a way of saying something to make me smile (given the sentence about giving up 1/2 his assets because he is poor) :o) Some people might think our relationship is weird or off the wall, but your Dad is truly my best friend and the love of my life.

One of those days

2008-08-18T13:08:00.003-04:00

I'm having one of those days Braylyn, where your mom just wants to SCREAM! I look at your picture and I just can't believe what has all happened this past year. I know I say that a lot, but I just really don't think I will ever come to terms with the fact that you are gone. You were here for such a short period of time and I never got to know you. I just want to know why life has to be so hard. Why can't we go through life with a big smile on our face and actually really mean it? Life can throw you such a curve ball when you least expect it. I try to be positive and tell myself that God has a plan for our whole family and that He is in full control, but it is so hard. I pray that I have become a better Christian by going through all of this and I pray that I can be a testimony to someone going through the same thing or to anyone for that matter. When I get in one of my downer moods it's hard to not get angry with God and to not just SCREAM, but I know I can't be like that. God does have a purpose for every direction He leads us in. It's jut remembering that, that is key I suppose.

I know you look down on your Dad and I and I'm sure you just laugh, at your Dad I'm sure, but I like to think you laugh at us because we think we have it so rough without you here with us, but you I'm sure are as happy as a bug in a rug. Who wouldn't be. No fear, no tears, no pain, nothing; just rejoicing with one another and smiling from ear to ear (and actually meaning it). You are in a better place than your Dad and I, but I know you understand why while we are here on earth, we miss you with all of our heart and soul. We urn for you in our arms and to touch your face.

As Fall approaches I have been reminded of the weeks after you were born. The evenings have been very nice and the nights sweatshirt weather. I remember the afternoon after you were born was the first cool day. You Dad and I had went outside for a walk and I was cold. All I had was my clothes from the day before and let's just say they were not intended for cold weather. The nights remind me of sitting out on the deck by the fire pit and just crying and thinking of you. Fall is my favorite time of the year and now it seems like all I am reminded of is the day we lost you. As soon as I wrote that I thought to myself, that the day we lost you is also the day we met you. I should celebrate that day in a way. With as much sadness that surrounds October 10, there is also a feeling of being a proud parent. I became a mother that day. Your Dad became a Father. You are our daughter and even though you are not physically here with us, we can still say with a feeling of happiness, that you, Braylyn Nykole, are our first born, our daughter, one of the loves of our life and an angel to us all.

Going on 10 Months Old

2008-07-28T13:36:00.003-04:00

10 Months old...I just cannot imagine what you would be doing let alone who you would be looking more like. In reading what a baby your age should be doing, you would be jabbering more and more and you would be thinking you are making sense, and your Daddy and I would be trying to interpret it all. 10 months old. It has been almost one full year since you were born. Almost one full year since I held you in my arms. Almost one full year since I touched your chubby cheeks and kissed your face. I still find it hard at times that you are gone. In this world that continues to move on, I sometimes find myself stuck in time. Your Daddy and I were out of town the other day and we came upon a wreck. I got to talking with him about how the world just keeps going, no matter what has happened. Someone lost their life in that wreck. Someone lost a loved one and yet the world kept turning, people kept living, and life moved on. It made me think back to that day we lost you. Time completely stopped for not only for your Dad and I but for our entire family. People were at work, people were out shopping having a good time, people were living their lives as if nothing could stop them. It's hard to understand sometimes why things happen and trying to comprehend that is a life long question that will not be answered until the day we face our Lord and Savior.

Things have been chaotic to say the least for the last few weeks. We have moved into your Grandpa and Grandma Inman's basement while we are between moves to our new house. Your Daddy hurt his leg pretty bad, but he is getting around pretty good now. I was looking for something the other night and I came across some items under a sheet. Not thinking, I lifting the sheet in search of whatever it was I was looking for and discovered some of your belongings. All these feelings came rushing over me. Tears whelped up in my eyes and I began to cry. It just caught me completely off guard and your Dad of course thought something was wrong until I explained to him what I saw. He encouraged me that we will get the chance to pass it all on to your sister and that everything was going to be just fine. Once again your Dad pulled me up when I started to drift down and I thank not only him for that but you to, because I can't help but feel like you guide him more than we both realize.

Speaking of moving, I am happy your Dad and I finally found a place that we both really love. I am however a little sad about leaving our home. Our first home. We put so much work into that house and your Dad and I started our life together there and I cannot help but also be sad because that was your home too. I sat in your room so many nights thinking of you and rocking myself into a crying fit. That house is so close to your resting place too. I found it comforting knowing that I could just walk to your side anytime I wanted day or night. Our new house is miles away from you and the thought of not being in your house upsets me at times. I knew I could not live there forever but it's hard to move on sometimes. I know that you are with me where ever I go and you will always be with me in my heart, but just the thoughts that go through my head are sometimes upsetting.

I hope that you are OK with us "moving on". I hope that we have not "moved on" too fast. Our lives have taken a path I never thought we would be taking at this time in our lives. It makes me wonder what we would be doing if you were here with us. I do think of your new sister as a blessing and an answered prayer because she will not only be your sister, but I also can't help but think that if God would have never chosen to take you for His own, than we would not have your sister. Our lives have gone a separate path and I have to look to God for His guidance in excepting everything that is to come on this journey. One event changed not only the lives of your Dad and I, but for everyone that loves you with all of their heart, Braylyn and I don't want you to EVER forget that you are very much loved and missed every day. We love you.

You're on my mind today...

2008-06-25T09:58:00.002-04:00

It has been 37 weeks since you have passed. We have almost been without you longer than you were with us. It is still hard to believe that you are not here with us. Your mom and dad miss you so much and we love you with every possible ounce of love we have. It's amazing how much we have changed since we lost you. Your Daddy and I have grown so much closer than I ever though possible and we have grown to appreciate each other in a way I can't even explain. We have grown up a lot and have a different outlook on life in general. We look around at some of our past friends and we watch them go about their lives like we use to, like they have no care in the world, like nothing could stop them in their tracks or throw them off the path they think they want to go on. We watch them still act like they are in high school and it in a way just disgusts us. I still struggle to let my feelings not show when a "new mother" comes around who is not taking responsibility for their actions, by going about her life like she just popped out a baby and nothing has changed for her. I want to so badly scream at her, "DO YOU NOT HAVE A BABY YOU SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF?!!!!!" It is times like that when I see a young women, a child, who is not married, doesn't even date the guy she was with, and who is now sitting around drinking and smoking who gets the chance to have a healthy baby...it makes me want to just smack her across the face and yell at her to wake up!

I'll get off my soap box now. We just miss you so much Braylyn and like I have said before, even though you were only here for such a short time, you have forever made an impact on your Daddy and Mommy's lives. You have changed us for the better and we love you for that. I know you are enjoying your time in heaven with all of our loved ones who have passed on before us, so tell every one Hi for us all. And I'll tell you a little secret...Aunt Bonnie is there and if you go to her house, she has a candy jar :o) You'll find it. Grandpa Smith will just probably want to hold onto you and Willie will talk your ear off if you let him. Grandma and Grandpa White will give you lots of hugs and kisses and Jodie will think of you as her own, so if you need anything you just go to her. And of course God is always there for you and so is your Mommy and Daddy. You just speak to us anytime, day or night. We love you and miss you very much.

Brandon

2008-06-16T09:23:00.004-04:00

Father's Day. I'm going to try to get through this without crying. Brandon doesn't talk about Braylyn much. I can tell he is still in pain about it all. I can picture him being a Father, a Dad. He would be/is/will be a great Dad. Brandon is a man who is sweet and compassionate. (Tears are flowing. So much for that goal.) I remember seeing him hold Braylyn. He held onto her so gently. She was all wrapped up in her swaddling blanket and he just held onto her like his life depended on it. Brandon would be the type of Dad who with one look from his little girl, he would be putty in her hands. I can imagine Brandon with Braylyn. Him throwing her up in the air and her laughing. The both of them sitting in Brandon's chair, as he rocks her to sleep while they watch TV. Brandon trying to 'teach' Braylyn, at the young age of 8 months, to enjoy the "Great Outdoors". I can see Brandon laying on the floor with her and I can hear them having a conversation. So serious, like they know exactly what the other is saying.

Brandon has such a BIG heart. Every kid wishes they had a Dad like Brandon. Brandon being a kid at heart himself, allows kids to connect to him in a different way. They see him as one of them in a way. I see him with our nephews and niece and I can tell what he will be like when we have our earthly children. He listens to them, talks with them, plays with them, and you can just tell he has such a love for them all. It makes me sad to think he doesn't have Braylyn to share those things with, but I know he will one of these days.

Brandon is a Dad. He has a daughter named Braylyn Nykole. She was born October 10, 2007. She is 8 months old. She has brown hair and she looks like a good mixture of both her Dad and Mom. She is loved more than any child good ever be and has the greatest Dad in the whole world. I love you Brandon and your daughter is looking down on you with a big smile on her face. You make her laugh :o)

8 Months Old

2008-06-11T07:27:00.002-04:00

It has happened...I forgot that yesterday was Braylyn's 8 month birthday. How could I forget that already! I remembered last night when I laid down to go to bed. I just cannot believe I forgot. I mean what Mother would forget. I have been so side tracked by the new pregnancy and concentrating on the this baby's health and selling our house and buying our new one that I forgot about Braylyn. It's hard thinking back to this time last year and knowing at this point we knew we were having a girl and I was feeling her move. We had so many plans for Braylyn and us as a family. I looked up the below information and I try to picture Braylyn. What she would look like now at 8 months old and what all she would be doing. We would be getting ready to go on a family vacation with mom, dad, Josh, Kristi and the kids to Standing Stone. We had planned the vacation this time last year. The girls would spend the days at the swimming pool and the guys' would be fishing. Braylyn would be enjoying (maybe) her first experiences swimming in the kiddie pool. She would be sporting one of her several swimsuits, maybe even a bikini or two :o)

It is weird how people's lives change. You THINK you have everything all planned out. I mean that is what humans do I guess. We plan. We plan for everything...except the unexpected. You never expect to bury your child, let alone your new born child. You never expect to be enjoying life and thinking of all the new and exciting things to come and then it all being thrown off course by a tragic event. People go through it every day. People lose loved ones every day. People discover they have a terminal disease everyday. People even get laid off and suffer financial struggles every day. No one plans for these things, they just happen. Life. Yet we all move on. Life goes on.

I can remember that day, that week. Our lives stopped. The clocked stopped for us, yet the world kept moving for everyone else. People went about their lives as usual. People went to work, people ate, people laughed, people celebrated, the world went on as if nothing else was going on, like I am doing now. I am sure there is someone right now going through a life altering event. I never thought anything would happen to me personally. I never in my wildest dreams imagined losing a child. I have become a statistic. Braylyn is now a number among the stillborn children in this world.

8 Month Old Development
Crawling: Your baby may be creeping (pushing himself around on his belly), crawling, or moving about by bottom shuffling — scooting around on his posterior using a hand behind him and a foot in front of him to propel himself.Creeping is your baby's first method of getting around efficiently on his own. Usually, he'll first learn to pull himself with his hands and then get up on his hands and knees. Then he'll figure out how to move forward and backward by pushing off with his knees. (A "combat crawl" is a variation in which one leg is the pusher and the opposite arm the lead puller.)All of these variations on crawling strengthen the muscles that will soon enable him to walk. Whichever mode of mobility your baby's using, it's fascinating to see how he solves the problem of getting around.
Stand and deliver: Your baby may be able to pull himself up to a standing position while holding on to furniture. In fact, if you stand your baby next to the sofa, he may be able to hold himself up, although he may be hanging on for dear life.

Braylyn's Blink of An Eye

2008-05-29T13:27:00.003-04:00

I got to thinking the other day after I wrote my last post and I started to think about how it was for Braylyn. I mean my last post was from my perspective of things during those last days, but to imagine what it was like for Braylyn is different.

I got to thinking about what Braylyn went through. I pray that it was painless for her. That she didn't know what was going on. I can imagine that in the blink of her eye, she was facing our Lord and Savior. Now that is something. In the blink of an eye my life changed forever, but in the blink of her eye she was in heaven for eternity. She was greeted by loved ones we have lost and was in a forever state of happiness. She no longer felt any pain. She would never have to experience the pain of this world, both physically and emotional. She was never touched by sin and now knows of nothing else but heaven. Can you imagine?

This also got me thinking of Angels. People say we now have a guardian angel watching over us, but I believe she was watching over us long before we ever knew it. I gave birth to an angel. By the time she was physically born, she was already in the presence of God. Can you imagine that? Braylyn was watching over her parents from above as her physical body was delivered and laid to rest. I find peace in knowing that our daughter has never, nor will she ever experience the heart ache of growing up, the pain of falling down and scrapping her knee, she will never cry a tear. Braylyn will forever laugh, love, and be free.

Blink of an Eye

2008-05-22T10:57:00.003-04:00

I was thinking the other day of the saying, "In a blink of an eye". I got to thinking at how this saying has become a part of my life. Have you ever sat and thought about how fast you blink? A tenth of a second. I don't know what to even compare that to. A tenth of a second. In a tenth of a second my life forever changed.

Looking back it was Wednesday October 3, 2007. I was 38 weeks and 2 days. Brandon and I were excited, as we figured at this doctor appointment we would not be going back home until we had our daughter in our arms. We thought for sure that the doctor would admit me. Well the visit went like this...our appointment was at 4:15 PM. I don't remember if we waited long, but I'm sure we had to wait some. During the appointment the doc checked me and I was dilated 3 cm! The doctor asked if I wanted him to "strip the membrane" and I of course was like, Say what? So we agreed and went forward with it. The doctor informed us that it could be less than 24 hours before I go into labor, but then again it could still me another week away. That is when it REALLY sunk in. I thought to myself, this is it! We are going to have a baby! I then said to the doc, "Can you undo what you just did? I don't think I'm ready." HA! We just laughed.

We ended up leaving the office and going home. I was taking it pretty easy. We would walk in the evenings to try and get things going. I didn't feel any different. No steady contractions and no pain. Thursday went by, nothing. Friday morning came...plug came out! I knew exactly what it was. Now I thought for sure, any time now. We stayed close to the house that day just in case. Saturday came, nothing. We had our church hayride that evening and I remember it was hot. A first for our annual church hay ride. It was usually freezing by now. We left early that evening because I was uncomfortable. Not so much physically, just hot. So I went home and watched a movie in bed. Braylyn was moving and for the first time I saw her foot move across my stomach. I ended up just lying there watching her move instead of watching the movie. I fell asleep early I'm sure.

Sunday comes and goes and so does Monday. Monday was a holiday for us, so again Bran and I just took it easy. Tuesday, 39 weeks and 1 day. My doctor's appointment was scheduled for 4:45 PM. Brandon had been going to so many appointments with me that he decided to stay at work and Mom was to tag along with me. You all know the story from there. So I want to get back to "In the Blink of an Eye." In a matter of less than one week, we were being told that everything was going fine, that I was dilating good, that it could be any day, to our lives forever being different. "In the Blink of an Eye." "In the Blink of an Eye" I was told, "This doesn't look good, Lyndsey." and that was it.

We went from planning our new life with our new baby daughter and planning our family vacation during the summer, planning what we would bring her home from the hospital in, what her Halloween costume would be, sharing our first Christmas with her, imagining her going off to kindergarten, growing up and turning into a teenager, getting into trouble, dating, getting married and then in the blink of an eye we were planning what our daughter would wear for eternity, whether to have open or closed casket. We were trying to explain to everyone what happened when we ourselves had no idea. All in the blink of an eye.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

2008-05-20T14:33:00.000-04:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Email sent out a couple weeks back

2008-05-07T11:32:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone! Brandon and I want to thank everyone for their prayers and love over the last 6+ months. It was six months a week ago today and I keep thinking about what Braylyn would be doing now. Rolling over, sitting up, smiling, making funny noises, playing with her little toys, and I'm sure she would just be the cutest thing ever! I know she would be Daddy's Little Girl and Mommy's Pride and Joy. We miss her more and more every day and we look forward to the day when we will have a reunion with her and we will be able to spend eternity with our daughter and rejoice with her in the presence of our Lord. Oh how that day will be so glorious!
There are days when we both still struggle and there are days when it is hard to visit her graveside, but we know God has a plan for us and God had a reason for taking our daughter from us. We as humans cannot understand God's reasons sometimes for taking an infant child away from parents who would love her more than anyone ever could, but we have faith that He will bless us in the long run and we will one day understand His reason when we see Him face to face.
Brandon and I just want to reiterate how thankful we are for everyone of you. All of your prayers and love have been overwhelming. It is like I said before, it is hard to believe in a time of such tragedy and sadness, you come to appreciate the unconditional love and friendship of family and friends and even complete strangers. We still have a long road ahead of us and we always will, but Braylyn will always be on our hearts and mind and even though we know none of you ever got to meet Braylyn, we hope that no one will ever forget her. Even though she was only here for 39 weeks, in those 39 weeks she changed our lives forever.
So Brandon and I are asking this of you…please continue your prayers for us and our family and please add the 7 week old baby that is rapidly growing inside of me today. Yes, we are expecting once again! God is so GREAT! We have been to the doctor once already and we go back this next Wednesday for another check up. It is going to be a long, stressful road, so please pray for us all and please pray for the health of both the baby and myself. This is not going to be easy for any of us and I am constantly scared, but I know I need to put my faith and trust in God, it's all in His hands now. The doctor said everything is looking good and we were able to see the baby's heart beat last week. Brandon and I were talking and it is just SO AMAZING how a baby, yes a baby, not a thing or non-living thing, the size of a piece of rice, already has a beating heart! How great is our God! I am currently taking all sorts of meds including two heparin injections every day, so please pray for me as I have to give these injections to myself. I guess it will just become part of my daily routine. The due date for Inman baby number 2 is December 2, 2008, but since the doctor is going to induce me between weeks 37 and 38, that's puts us at around November 11-18. So again, thank you for all of your love and prayers and please continue to pray for us and our new baby!
Lots of Love
Brandon and Lyndsey

Catching Up

2008-04-24T10:22:00.003-04:00

I know it has been quite some time since my last post, but things are going. Braylyn's 6 month Angelversary has passed and I have survived. I spent the day with a fellow lady friend from church and she helped ease my mind. We spent time talking about Braylyn and how we are sure that she is perfect angel :o) I find it hard to believe that she would now be going on 7 months old. I try to imagine what she would look like and what she would be doing. I'm sure she would be getting big and growing up way too fast. I can imagine her little dimples, just like her Daddy's. She would smile and her chubby cheeks would raise and her little dimples would sink into her cheeks. Her eyes I imagine would be like her Mommy's. Still blue I'm sure but changing into green. Her hair...growing in pretty good and dark like both her Dad and Mom. She would be following Harley (our cat) around the room with her eyes. Curious to exactly what that thing was and why it looked nothing like her. She would be enjoying her walks in the stroller in the evenings as I think she would become an outdoor girl...unlike her Mom, but exactly like her Dad. We would be getting ready for swimming season! I'm sure her Mom would have bought the cutest bikini to show her off in :o) We would later decide whose skin she had by how nicely she tanned :o) I can just picture her in her little bikini, her shades, and a hat blocking the sun from her cute little face. Her sitting in the the kiddie pool in our back yard, splashing her hands and kicking her feet.
Her Daddy and I just celebrated our two year anniversary this week. It is hard to believe it's been two years already. Although we dated for 5 years before we got married, so I guess when you say we've been together for 7 years, that seems more like it. My love for my husband has grown deeper than I ever thought to imagine. He is my rock, my strength, my soul mate. His little quirks are my favorite things. The way he never knows where anything is, even though it's lying right in front of him. The way he loves to be so anal about cleaning his vehicles. The way he insists on drinking milk with his supper, no matter what we are eating. The way he wears his hat. The way he snores and moans in his sleep. The way he comes home every day with a "New Purchase" for the day. Then there is the ways I love him more and more because of the way he pulls me close to him when I want nothing more than to just be held. The way he always says I love you before we hang up on the phone. The way he makes me feel safe to matter we are going through. The way he hides notes in between my bread slices in my lunch box. The way he lets me just talk and talk when telling a story that could be wrapped up in two minutes or less. The way he reaches for my hand when we're walking. The list goes on and on. Anyways, Braylyn's Dad is the best Dad in the whole world. I could not imagine myself with anyone else and I understand now the meaning behind, "Wanting to grow old with you."

From the heart of a bereaved Mother. This is now what "normal" is...

2008-04-03T06:40:00.002-04:00

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable at a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.. yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what ifs' and 'why didn't I's' go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age and then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days, trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that reminds me of my baby. Thinking how he would have loved it, but how he's not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to even mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember her.
Normal is that after the funeral is over, everyone else goes on with their lives but we will continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. Yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is knowing I will never get over the loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone else around you will think you are "normal".

Author Unknown

"Ask My Mom How She Is"

2008-04-03T06:28:00.002-04:00

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies, She never did before
But from now until she dies, She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is, She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see, Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth, Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is, She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven, I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen, Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again, We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, With all the lies you told!"

Author Unknown

I know I've skipped...

2008-03-28T14:00:00.004-04:00

I know I've skipped around some, but I have had a lot on my mind lately. It seems like the loss of Braylyn has weighed on my mind more over the past couple of months than it has since the weeks afterwards. I have found myself awake at early hours in the morning still thinking of her. I sit in the rocker in her room and just think of her and cry to God and ask, "WHY!?" We are now coming up on her 6 month birthday...angelversary...I just don't know what to call it. There are a lot of things that catch me off guard that I really don't know how to reply to. I mean the infamous question, "Do you have kids?" Well yes I do, but how do you explain that to someone without going into a lot of detail or making them feel awkward for my reply? How can I help people to remember her, when no one ever really knew her? I mean I myself really never knew her. I had the TRUE BLESSING to feel my little girl move and kick...no one else ever got that chance. My mind has just been over whelmed with emotions. I cry at the tip of a hat and I find myself being very jealous of others. I have begun to dislike family gatherings knowing that my daughter is not there to be a part of it. Holidays are not the same anymore. We go to our daughters graveside each holiday to take her gifts and to just be with her. I know she is in heaven and in the presence of our Almighty God, but as a mother...I just want her here with us. It is sometimes hard to put my faith in God and trust that there is a reason for all of this suffering, but I know that there is. My pastor read a verse the other day from the Bible, and I cannot remember the exact verse, but it spoke of how after Christ arose from the grave and he spoke to others and asked them if they did not remember him and they could touch and feel him. That stood out in my mind, because like Pastor Jim said...If people could recognize Christ and people good touch and feel him after he arose, than will we not be able to do the same in heaven? I WILL one day recognize Braylyn. I WILL one day get the chance to hold Braylyn again. I WILL one day get the chance to speak to Braylyn. I WILL one day be able to feel Braylyn. HOW BLESSED WILL I BE!

5 Months Old

2008-03-12T06:53:00.003-04:00

This is being posted a little late, but I just wasn't in a good place (emotionally) to be typing the last few days. Monday was our baby girls 5 month angelversary. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been 5 months. At times it feels like yesterday and at others it feels like years have passed. I try to imagine what she would be doing at this age. What new accomplishments we would be making over. Discovering her hands and feet...starting to know her name...maybe starting to roll over...and her smile...I just know she would have the cutest smile...her Daddy's smile...dimples and all. I wonder if her hair would be getting longer. She wasn't born with much but what she did have was DARK, however, her eye lashes and eyebrows were reddish in color. Would she be a red head when she got older? Her Aunt Amy has red hair. I wonder if she would have her Daddy's toes...no offense Daddy, but lets hope she has Mommy's :o)

Brandon and I visited Braylyn Monday at her graveside. The bulbs we planted there have sprouted and the crocuses (sp?) will be blooming soon. We have her Easter decorations out there right now. She has her Easter basket from Nana and PaPaw, an Easter Bunny and Easter eggs from Grandma and Grandpa Inman, a hand carved Easter Egg from "Uncle" Buddy, and Spring bouquets of flowers from Mommy and Daddy. We try to get out to her side as much as we can, but it is still difficult to be there at times. I know she is with me where ever I go, so I can talk to her all day, every day, but to go to where her physical body rests is hard. I hate leaving her when I'm there. Just as I start to turn to walk away, I always feel as though my feet are planted and cannot move. I feel as though I am just leaving my child alone. I mean no one would ever leave their child somewhere alone. I sometimes get morbid thoughts and think of her being in the ground...in the cold, dark, wet Earth. I hate when these thoughts enter my mind and I don't know why they do. I just wish Braylyn was in my arms. I wish I would never have to put her down. I wish I could touch her sweet face. I wish I could look into her big, beautiful eyes. I wish I could smell that sweet, innocent baby smell. I wish I could watch her make her Daddy's heart melt. I wish I could watch Brandon melt my heart by being a great, loving Father. Ok so now my mind is wondering so I'm going to stop before I get in bad place today.

The day our life changed

2008-03-04T15:15:00.002-05:00

Our daughter left us on October 10, 2007 at 39 wks and 2 days. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought something like this would happen. I mean how could it? My pregnancy had been perfect, nothing out of the ordinary besides morning sickness throughout the whole 39 weeks and 2 days. I loved being pregnant. Watching my stomach grow and feeling life inside me. There is no other feeling in the world.
Our story begins with my doctor stripping my membrane at 38 weeks and 3 days on Wednesday. I was already dilated 1 cm and was about 50% effaced. He told me to go home and that he would probably see me within the next few days. On Friday morning I lost my mucus plug and I kept thinking to myself..."This is it! Any time now!" We were both getting very excited and very anxious. Our bags were already packed in the JEEP and the car seat was strapped down. The nursery had been done for about a month and all her clothes were washed and hung.
I tried staying busy. The usual "nesting" instinct kicked in. I was dusting the house top to bottom, doing laundry, grocery shopping, walking. You name I was doing it. Nothing seemed to be working though. No strong contractions had started and no pain, just the normal light contractions and nothing steady. Saturday night I was laying in bed and for the first time I saw what I could obviously see was her foot move across my belly. I just watched in amazement at how this little girl was inside of me alive. If I only I knew those were her last movements.
Monday evening I was still not progressing. Brandon asked me if Braylyn had been moving much and I had to stop and think. I hadn't really paid attention since I was so busy. I laid down in bed for over an hour and concentrated on her moving. I kept thinking to myself you have been so paranoid this whole pregnancy, just chill out, everything is fine. I sat at just watched. No big movements. She was just shifting, or so I thought. So I fell asleep. I was still working at this point in time so I woke up Tuesday morning and got ready for work. I had a doctor’s appointment that day, so I had planned on making this my last day at work. I figured he would admit me and go ahead and induce me. So I went into work for a few hours and finished everything up.
My doctor’s appointment was at 445 so I went home and rested. I wasn't feeling real good that day, but I figured it was because I hadn't taken my medicine (the doctor had prescribed me some meds since I was nauseated the whole pregnancy). Brandon couldn't go with me to the doctor, so my mother went. When we got there I told her to just wait in the car that I wouldn't be long. The nurse took my blood pressure and my weight as usual. She asked if she had been moving and I told her that I really hadn't paid much attention and that I can't really say one way or the other. When the doctor came in he put the heart monitor on my stomach. He kept pushing it around and asking me questions. I knew something was wrong. He tried for what seemed like an hour to find something. Nothing. He moved me into another room to do an ultrasound. I asked the nurse to go get my mom. I started bawling. The rest is like an out of body experience, which I'm sure you’re all too familiar with.
To skip ahead Brandon finally made it down and they admitted me to the hospital. We were immediately surrounded with family. The doctor told me I would have to deliver her. I along with my family was shocked! Could they not do a C-Section I asked. The doctor told me it would be best for me, if I delivered her naturally. So around 830 PM they started my on IV drips to induce me. I was already 3cm and 85% effaced when admitted, so it didn't take long. By 930 PM I asked for the pain meds and I started pushing around 2 AM. Brandon never left my side. I kept looking into his eyes has he told me to breath. He held my hand tight and I pushed. At 247 AM our daughter, Braylyn Nykole was born.
Braylyn weighed 7 pounds 8 oz and was 21" long. Dark brown hair. She was beautiful. They laid her on my stomach as Brandon cut the cord. I just stared at her in complete awe. This little baby girl was a part of me and Brandon. The perfect little bundle of love. I kept thinking to myself she is suppose to be crying, any second she will start crying cause they made a mistake, she is fine. The nurses took her away to clean her up. Brandon and I just sat and cried. We held each other and talked about how beautiful she was. The nurses brought her back in when they had her clean and wrapped in a blanket. She held her and talked to her. We kissed her chubby cheeks and called her by name. Our families came in and they all took turns holding her. They all spoke of how she looked like her mother. Like I said she was beautiful . After the family left Brandon and I held her and just stared at her little face. We eventually told the nurses we were ready and we said our goodbyes.
To only have her in my arms for a few more seconds. To only be able to hear her cry and look into her eyes. My arms ache for her to be in them. The next day before checkout the nurse brought me a box. Inside they had placed her blanket they had her wrapped in, her shirt she wore, her bracelet, a lock of her hair, and a CD of some pictures. I was very emotional. I thought to myself...instead of leaving here with a baby girl in my arms, I leave here with a box. Why is this happening?
We held a private funeral for Braylyn with family. The day was beautiful. A perfect Fall day. Clear blue skies and a crisp air. We had a beautiful little white casket and a Fall flower arrangement placed on top. The love from family that surrounded us spilled over onto her. Our pastor gave the service and it was beautiful. He spoke of how we will one day see her again and that she is in heaven where there are no tears, pain, or suffering. She is in God's arms now and I know I will see her one of these days.
There are days where I struggle to get through. Days where I feel like staying in bed all day. Nights that I stay up late sitting in Braylyn’s room reading and just looking around and thinking of her face. Thoughts race through my head…Why? What did I do to deserve this? Did we do something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are we not fit to be parents? I try and think of things that I could have done to cause this. Something I ate, a sudden surge of exercising, changing the cat box, did I over do it on the house work. Seeing women with their new baby’s is hard, especially little girls. Hearing their soft noises. Their cries. Watching a mother hold her baby and kiss their cheeks. Then I think of all the mothers out there who are not fit to be mothers. Mothers who abused their babies before they were ever born. It’s not fair that they can have a healthy baby, but yet I failed. Women who get abortions. How could they? Do they not know what they are doing? I keep thinking of what I would be doing if Braylyn was here with us. Would she be sleeping, would I be feeding her, or would Brandon be holding her in his arms? I struggle with walking by the baby department in stores. The clothes, the lotions, the toys.
It’s hard getting back to a “routine”. I feel like I am being a bad mother by going about my day like nothing has happened. Telling everyone I am doing good and putting a smile on my face when I don’t feel like smiling. I am afraid I will one day realize that I haven’t thought about Braylyn all day. I’m afraid I will forget her. I’m afraid my family will forget her. I don’t want people to forget her. I want people to talk about her. I want people to call her by her name, Braylyn Nykole. I hate leaving her graveside. I feel like I am abandoning her. I sometimes forget ever being pregnant, like it was all a dream. I have nothing to show for going through it all besides stretch marks. I feel like by body went through this phase. It’s hard to explain, but I have feelings of guilt for feeling that way.

When all this first happened I was adamant about waiting quite a while before we try again. But within days I had changed my mind. I was unsure how Brandon would feel, but when I told him I had changed my mind, he was all for it. The doctor suggested we wait 6 months before trying again. That time would allow my body to heal from Braylyn’s pregnancy. So we are now counting down the months before we can start trying again. I guess once you get in the mind set of being a parent, a mother, you want that fulfilled. I am looking forward to the day when we find out we are pregnant again. Although along with the feelings of joy I will be feeling, there will be feelings of worry and I’ll be scared. Will we go through another loss? Will the next pregnancy go smoothly? I will be considered high risk with the next pregnancy. The doctor told me that I will go about the normal scheduled visits, once every 4 weeks, with the addition of an ultrasound every visit, until I hit 20 weeks. At that point I will start going twice every week. They will monitor the baby’s heart rate very closely and I’ll have an ultrasound done every week. Being monitored so closely will give me some reassurance, but there is still a chance something could happen. I will also be taking an aspirin every day and a heparin shot twice a day (administered by myself). This treatment is for thrombophilia. Not sure on the spelling, but it’s a blood disorder that causes blood clots. A high risk pregnancy doctor suggested this treatment. We are meeting with a high risk pregnancy doctor on December 14 in Evansville. She is suppose to go over all our test results from both Braylyn and I and give us a plan of action for the next pregnancy. From what the doctor has explained, all the tests have came back fine. So we will never know what happened to Braylyn. I have been at ease with that outcome. I cherish the day that I felt her move for the first time, the day we discovered we were having a girl, watching her kick and move on her ultrasound. I cherish the days I talked with her and felt her move. The days and nights when I would just watch in awe at my belly move. Those times when I knew she was alive and doing well. Knowing that Braylyn was born pure and sinless. Knowing that she is in God’s arms and is perfect. I smile at those thoughts.

Entry From Feb 13, 2008

2008-03-04T15:11:00.003-05:00

I am going to skip around here and post an entry from back on Feb. 13, 2008.

Today is Wednesday Feb 13. I'm in a weird mood today. I just don't know what to think. Bran and I have been trying to get pregnant again and I woke up this morning with major cramps and I knew what was to await be when I got up, which as we all know means I am not pregnant. This is upsetting to me. I mean I know it is going to take time, but it is just very frustrating for a multitude of reasons. One I want a baby so badly. My heart feels empty since Braylyn is not here with us. I just wish she was here in my arms so I can hold her, smell her, watch her grow and listen to her make noises, to look her in the eyes and see that she recognizes her mom, to see her smile. Number two as to why it is so frustrating is that since I just started my men. cycle that means it'll be another full month or longer before I know again if we have succeeded. Not only do I have to wait until this cycle is over, but then number three kicks in…I never know when I am going to start my cycle so to try and calculate when the best time to try is almost virtually impossible. I pretty much have to take into consideration all the "possible" times and try at every one of them. So basically for three whole weeks we have to try. And not that that is bad, it's just trying to get motivated to do it. With working all day and having to get up early, having fun in the bedroom can be very tiring. I wish I could just snap my fingers and go back to this time last year. This time last year I knew I was pregnant with Braylyn, well not Braylyn, but with a baby. We hadn't been to the doctor yet, but after a handful of HPT I was convinced. We went to the doctor for our first appointment of Feb 21. That is when we saw the little bitty "thing" with a flashing dot (the baby's heart). I wish I can go back and the outcome be totally different. I wish I could have had a sign that something was wrong. I wish…Braylyn was HERE!

Our relationship

2008-02-29T13:48:00.003-05:00

Well like I said Brandon and I started dating in 2001. We graduated high school together, but it wasn't until after our first year at college did we really start hanging out. My best friend at the time, Lisa, and I were inseparable. We did everything together, even our summer employment was at the same place, West Bogg's Park. Anyways we started going four wheeler riding with Brandon and some other friends who had four wheelers and it pretty much became an every night adventure. Then next thing I know Lisa is telling me that Brandon wishes he could go out on a date with me, but he made the statement, "I have a better chance of getting struck my lighting than her saying yes." Well as we all know, I said yes to a date and we have been together since. Well sort of.

We dated for quite a while. We would continue to go 4-wheeler riding, movies, shopping, and just hanging out at each other's houses. I had applied to go to Ball State in the fall and had gotten accepted and was ready to leave to get my Interior Design degree with a minor in Architecture when I fell in Love. So I had to make a decision...go to Ball State like 6 hours away or go back to VU and finish my Interior Design degree there. Well I just couldn't leave my first real relationship, I had to take a chance. So when classes started back up, I went back to school at VU and Brandon took a semester off.

Mom and Dad had left by this time (Fall of 2001) to live in Virginia for a year. We were in the middle of selling the house, so I moved in with my "Aunt" and "Uncle" for about a month until an apartment became available in town. Josh was living in Indy working in the Union, so I had a lot of time to myself. Got kind of boring at times. I did spend a lot of time with Brandon during this time since I had no one else around really. Not that I'm complaining, it's just that I really had no one else around. Brandon and his family were my sole means of human contact :o) My best friend Lisa had decided to live at VU so she was never around and all my other friends were...well I can't say that I really had anyone else. Pathetic I know.

So anyways time passed on and Brandon and I started drifting apart. I had graduated college and decided to start working at Home Depot and Brandon had decided to go back to school (Fall 2002) so he was finishing up one last semester at VU. Eventually we split up (Winter 2003) and things seem to get worse before they got better. Mysterious letters started coming in the mail to both Brandon and I at home (addressed to our parents not us) that were not good. My family and I was putting the blame on Brandon and Brandon and his were kind of dumb founded by it all. Them, like my parents, were just completely lost as to what was going on. Someone was out to get Brandon and I, not physically, but wanting to tear us apart emotionally. They had succeeded I can tell you that. Brandon and I were arguing more than ever.

About a 8 months passed by before Brandon and I really started talking again. He was working at Crane now and I had just left Home Depot to go to work with SAIC at Crane (Fall 2003). The more we talked the more we found we couldn't stay apart anymore. December of 2003 Brandon proposed and I had excepted. We were getting married!! We had set a date of October 16, 2004. The plans were on! Mom and I were in full gear making reservations, booking vendors, looking at dresses...June of 2004 we called the wedding off.

Where do I begin?

2008-02-28T09:12:00.003-05:00

I just don't know where to even start. Our story is a long, crazy one that's for sure. I guess I will just start with explaining a little about Brandon and I... We are both 26 (well I will be in less than a month) and have been married for almost two years. We have both grown up here in our original birth town which is very 'small town' lifestyle. We have three stop lights, about 800-1,000 people and we had 68 in our graduating class from High School. In high school you could sit and name every one in your entire class and more than likely you could say it in alphabetical order! HA! Anyways...I grew up in a strict Christian home and looking back on it all, I am glad. Of course at the time I hated it...curfews even on weekends and even when I was in college...church three times a week...always feeling guilty for the things I did that I knew I wasn't suppose to do (Yes mom and dad I know I was not perfect)...anyways I look at it as a blessing now. Childhood was never dull and I feel like I was very lucky as a kid growing up. My dad works for the government so he traveled a lot for work. In the summers this would be our summer vacations. I got to see a lot of places because of this. Now if you know my Dad he is a HUGE history buff, so trips usually involved detours to battle fields and well known and even not so well known historic sites. As a kid this was BORING! But I find myself now venturing for those historic sites and wanting to read everything...even all those little plaques and 'historic markers'.

Well to get onto Brandon he is a major outdoors person. Brandon also grew up traveling with his family as his Dad also worked for the government and traveled quite a bit. Brandon did not grow up in a strict household, but he turned out OK :o) Brandon's hobbies consist of hunting, golfing, fishing, cleaning his vehicles (very annal about this), and just about anything else he can do outside.

So anyways Brandon and I started dating in the summer of 2001. We had a long, hard, trying relationship. I'll continue that in my next post.

Getting Started

2008-02-27T10:30:00.004-05:00

Well I am just starting this 'new journey' today of trying to keep a journal. This is something I always wanted to do and thought in this day and age with all this technology, this would be an easy, fast way to do so. I want to write all kinds of things...from just day to day happenings, letters to Braylyn, and just anything that comes to my mind that particular day. So I guess I will test this thing out and see what this looks like. I hope everyone can follow along!